How to Glamourize Your Ego, and Become
the Perfect Modern Narcissist
It’s certainly no great insight to notice that we live in a narcissistic age; this has been pointed out many times before. The dominant memes of our culture celebrate surface images, the celebrity of the shallow, hedonistic short-term flings, and the flight from responsibility. We are a consumerist culture. Outside of our mandatory nine-to-five we are meant to consume incessantly, and live for nothing but the moment.
You are your sofa; you are your outfit; you are whatever you are perceived to be.
Yet time and time again I meet young women who don’t realize that the world is their oyster (and yes, the auto-cunnil lesbian symbolism in that statement is fully intentional). Sometimes this is due to a traditional upbringing, or to some memetic fragment from an old back-and-white movie which got lodged in their brain, but often it’s just ignorance – few young girls are fully informed as to how thoroughly our legal regime is designed to support their Narcissistic Affect. But regardless of the cause, it’s far too often that I hear young girls seeking after catharsis in life, some sort of deeper meaning, a fulfillment which has nothing to do with the surface beauty we’ve been trying to teach them.
So it’s with these young ladies in mind that I compiled the following list of advice; I hope this will help them become the Plastic Goddesses we all want them to be.
1. Become an Empowered Woman
In ages past our culture celebrated Strength of Character – the Strong Woman. Women were expected to develop themselves through hard work, honesty, and loving behavior. The result was Ripley from the Alien movies – a woman who so shamefully admitted that she was terrified of the Xenomorph, and that she didn’t have all the answers!
Can you imagine being so vulnerable? Admitting to inner failings and leaving your soul open to wounding? I have the feeling that far too many women in the audience are whispering “Yes” to this. Be thankful that we no longer live in such a savage era.
You see, the Strong Woman had to achieve her strength through hard effort; she earns it through overcoming failure. This history of small failures, hurdles eventually overcome, leads to a humbleness must be avoided!. This is why we’ve developed a social order which allows women to bypass all of this hard work, and become an Empowered Woman right from the start.
Whether it be affirmative action in the workplace, gender exclusive scholarships, female-only networking groups, or gynocentric laws and socialism, the intent is the same: society has built up a large reservoir of freely available power with which to em-power women. Don’t be afraid to use it! Men don’t need this; men have the strength earn their way up the ladder. But for you ladies, to become the perfect Modern Female Narcissist you need as much power as possible as quickly and cheaply as possible. Look around you; whether you’re in work, or in school, there’s plenty of free power lying around so that you don’t have to waste all that time becoming Strong.
2. Construct your Identity and Attain Narcissistic Supply
Constructing your identity is the easy part; there are dozens of different identities out there, readily available at the nearest mall. Goth, Preppy, Club Slut – all are equally valid choices, and it’s a simple matter of reading the right fashion magazines and imitating the celebrities on television.
I’ll leave that part for the experts.
Where things become difficult is in attaining your Narcissistic Supply. After all, what’s the point to having an image if there’s no-one around to notice?
You ladies are lucky; living in the Internet era offers you a bounty of free attention that no generation of women has ever had access to before. Post pictures of yourself on Facebook every day – your Beta Male Orbiters will praise your beauty as if you were Venus. Put together a profile on an online dating site – coming home to 20 messages from guys looking to date you is a wonderful ego boost (even if they did message a dozen other women during the five minutes they were on). And finally, don’t be afraid to become a cam whore, and strip for men on online; you’ll love the vicarious thrill, and if any man is rude enough to download your pictures and harass you in real life, there’s plenty of legislation to get them fired, kicked out of school – even arrested!
Now as wonderful as the Internet is for endless praise and attention, let’s not forget the real world. Ideally you should have at least five male “friends” in real life. Secretly these men are all going to have a crush on you, but not to worry – few will ever make the situation awkward by admitting it. The attention, help, and support these guys offer will be invaluable – not all Empowerment comes from the government, after all! These men will buy you drinks, help you move, and console you when a sexy Bad Boy Biker breaks your heart at No Fault Of Your Own.
Now of course you’ll be putting these young men through an emotionally torturous celibacy by rejecting their love for you, but don’t feel pity for them – that Narcissistic Surface Image you’re projecting wouldn’t feel sympathy for them, now would it? Of course not! So just tell them that they’ll make a great husband someday, as you snigger and walk out the door to go sleep with half the football team.
3. Protect your Self Image
The difficulty of being a narcissist is that reality has a bad habit of intruding and shattering the Glamour. The intrusion of reality can either be internal, or external.
The internal variety stems from lack of ego: I can already hear some of you out there in the audience – “I need to work out and lose weight, I have emotional issues I’m trying to work through, I’m just not smart enough to pass this course!” There you go, trying to be Strong again! Remember – you’re an Empowered Woman! An idealized projections of your self-image would not have problems like these!
So if you’re overweight, join a fat-acceptance; it’s not your fault, it’s the world’s fault for having an objective standard of beauty! If you have emotional issues, cover them up, bury them deep down – when you blow up for no reason, just blame others for triggering you. And as for not being smart enough – stop having so much introspection. Narcissists don’t introspect, they simply have opinions which they “know” are right.
Ignore your self-doubts; bury them under hedonic excess.
Next comes the external threats, people who call you out on how fake you a— I mean, people who try and pierce your Glamour. The first tactic you can use against these sorts is to simply cut them out of your life. Narcissists, after all, don’t want deep emotional connections, they want fawning worship and attention. It’s best to keep a rotating circle of acquaintances, dropping the ones who start to figure you out, and replacing them with those who’ll believe in your illusions.
But if they’re hard to get rid of – or if they’re so accurate with their critiques that they expose your secret shame – this is when the Narcissistic Rage is called for. Start with snarky comments (snark is the Queen of comedy, after all), and escalate as necessary.
Don’t worry about going too far! No matter how badly you behave, the cops know that women are always the victims. If you’re lucky you might even become as famous and celebrated as someone like Lorena Bobbitt!
4. Engage in Frivolous Consumption
A Narcissist is purely surface Glamour, so it’s only appropriate that you organize your economic life in accordance.
Fifty years ago, when Men made up the majority of the work force, instead of spending all their money, they saved and invested it in households and families; and we all know that investment and savings – also known as “hording” – are terrible for the economy. What we need are more spenders.
So as a single working girl, spend all of your free money on consumables – new shoes, fancy dinners, a brand new phone – these things will give you an immediate thrill that long-term satisfaction and purpose could never hope to compete with. Investment isn’t necessary; if worse comes to worse it’s simple enough to become pregnant and demand free money from the unwitting father; the police will support you in this.
Empower yourself by feeding your all-consuming, never-sated, hungry for self-pleasure, consumerist hole.
Ladies, you’re young and beautiful – women of past generations wasted that beauty on Men who wanted to build a family with them, who’d love them even into old age. Don’t be so foolish – you can easily snab a provider when your ovaries begin to dry up!
Keep those second-stringers for later on when the wrinkles start to form – we all know that nobody can give you a big O like that thug who mistreats you!
Naturally the traditionalists will disagree with me. They’d argue that the rising rates of mental illness and medication in women are a consequence of this lifestyle; that the breakdown of families, due to people too selfish to invest in the future, and too poorly disciplined to build life together, is impoverishing all us over the long run, not to mention devastating the children raised in such broken households. They’d actually have us believe that Patriarchy, a social order which lasted for thousands of years had some sort of basis in “Objective Reality.” And what would they have you young ladies do?
They’d have you renounce the empowerment to try and become Strong Women.
They’d tell you to respect your inner self, not your surface image; to remain chaste with your affection, saving it for deep emotional bonding, and not casual flings or serial monogamy. They’d even demand that you respect men – and not string them on in emotionally torturous celibacy as one of your Orbiters.
They’d actually expect you to treat sex as something deeply meaningful with long-lasting spiritual implications, rather than the pleasurable bowel movement it so obviously is.
They’d want you to consider the well-being of others, the well-being of society, and the long-term wellbeing of yourself.
And I ask you ladies; does that sound like any fun? I don’t know about you, but I have a Bacchanalia I need to be getting to right now.
Don’t forget to check out my novel, As I Walk These Broken Roads.