LTR Game: Have a Fake Argument

Recently I was acting in a 3-person “art house” project; I won’t bore you with the overall plot, because what I want to bring up is the ad-libbed argument the actress and I were having.  It was a typical domestic argument about everything and nothing, and I was worried going into it that it might engender bad blood between myself and the actress.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.

It started off with her bitching at me about taking the garbage out.  Then I yelled at her for being OCD about cleaning.  Then she called me a lazy bum, who doesn’t take care of the house, and I called her a slut for flirting with the bartender when she got drunk.  On and on it went, escalating and changing topics, both of us hating one another, but unable to escape the dynamic.  Whenever one of us would threaten to leave, the other one would try and have the last word, and everything would start up again.

Incidentally, this is why cops hate domestic disturbances; each partner is furiously at the other, while also being defensive of them.  There’s no way for a cop to come in and be the “Good Guy.”

As I said, I was worried about this souring my relationship with the young lady, but quite the opposite happened: as soon as the cameras stopped rolling we were laughing and joking about the whole thing.  In real life I’ve never had an argument like this; when things become heated, I go cold, so that both of us have a chance to return to the argument when we’re able to act rationally (most of the women I’ve dated have been likewise emotionally mature).  That said, I can understand why so many people get into these situations: there’s something incredibly satisfying about lashing out at somebody you care about.  Knowing that they’re going to stand there and take it is addictive, as their own insults drive you to lash out even harder; and vice versa, of course.  It’s a positive-feedback loop of escalating tensions, that demands some sort of resolution.

So here’s my weekend suggestion for any of you who are in a long-term relationship: have a fake argument, and then make-up afterwards.  Not only will this give you a chance to have makeup-sex, it will help emphasize the fact that “We don’t want to be one of those couples!” It’s like a video game – it’s thrilling to play a survival horror, but you’d never want to be in the situation in real life.  By arguing over something that didn’t happen, you’ll catch yourself if you ever start to argue over something that did happen.

A few caveats:

  • Don’t do this unless your relationship is on solid grounds.  It absolutely must not be about something that’s actually a problem.  Manufacture a conflict; yell at her for getting a non-existent parking ticket, yell at him for flirting with your non-existent sister, whatever.
  • If a real-world issue does intrude into the argument, immediately calm down and say “That was hurtful.” When you’re roleplaying like this, it’s surprisingly easy to go from 60 to zero, just make sure that you do.
  • Don’t do it where you might get attention from neighbours; the last thing you want to have is for the cops to show up.  Chances are that they’ll leave you alone, but there’s a slim possibility that you might get shot.  Don’t risk it.
  • And don’t let it turn physical. “Non-lethal violence” is a chimera; any sort of physical confrontation can accidentally turn lethal, and this isn’t something you’d want to risk with a person you care about.

And keep in mind, advice should always be taken with a grain of salt.  Maybe I have an easier time slipping in-and-out of character than you do (all that D&D had to have been good for something), maybe there are some issues that you haven’t resolved, maybe one of you grew up in an abusive household and even a fake argument will be too much, or maybe I’m just an idiot.  That’s certainly a possibility.

In day-to-day life, you should strive to act like an adult, but the occasional bout of childishness will serve to strengthen your bonds.

ͼ-Ѻ-ͽ

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Leo M.J. Aurini

Trained as a Historian at McMaster University, and as an Infantry soldier in the Canadian Forces, I'm a Scholar, Author, Film Maker, and a God fearing Catholic, who loves women for their illogical nature.

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4 Responses

  1. roe says:

    I swear this is true:

    My wife and I have had a running 15-year joke argument over something she claims she said (and I claim she didn’t) on a city bus near the beginning of our relationship. What it was doesn’t matter – it’s absurdly trivial.

    We start up the argument again when:
    -it comes up in conversation organically
    -just out of the blue
    -to close out a *real* disagreement as an attempt at the final word

    The last thing – it really functions to diffuse the tension and signal the end of an argument – without genuine last-wordism.

    It also forms a thread through our time together which only we share or understand.

  2. earl says:

    If you need some pointers…

  3. Edwin Calais says:

    Another good thing that works is setting her up for the break-up with a fake situation.

    Ever notice that if you ever tell a woman something that REALLY bugs you, that is EXACTLY what she will do when you break up? (ie. – Breaking up is about the drama, not the actual issues).

    If you tell her what really got under your skin was that your last GF tried to accuse you of abuse when you split up, rest assured, that is what your current GF will claim when you split up.

    If you tell her that what really pissed you off was that your ex-girlfriend tried to screw all your friends after you split up – well, golly gee, that is what the current GF will do when you split up.

    So… make up your own narrative.

    “You know what REALLY pissed me off with my ex?”

    “No! What?” She exclaims as she pulls out her notebook.

    “That she totally ignored me and didn’t even want to talk to me or my friends again! Damn! That pissed me off!”

    “That she betrayed me by telling every one of her girlfriends intimate details about our sex-life, and how much she enjoyed me doing XYZ… sob! It was such a betrayal!”

    “That she ran off with her new boyfriend to live 1000 miles away. That bitch really hurt me by doing that! Don’t you ever do that!”

    “I would NEVER do that to you, dearest!” she replies. (scribble scribble scribble)

  1. November 16, 2013

    […] So here’s my weekend suggestion for any of you who are in a long-term relationship: have a fake ar… […]

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